To break it off with this person, well, that depends on the person.

• One of my abusers was “just” hitting me and controlling who my friends were and where I could go. Surprisingly enough, this one was easier to get out of.
• The other one was all that and a narcissist. That means he played mind games with me that made me question my sanity. And made our common friends think I was crazy and/or the abuser. So I learned really quick not to trust anyone who might know him, no matter what they say or deny.

I’ve been through enough counseling with abusive boyfriends and husbands to know that that will never happen. And I’ve had enough friends go through the same thing. People don't magically change into a whole 'nother person simply because you want them to. This is not new.

Don’t share those plans with anyone!

When you do, that info will always get back to him or her, and he/she will sabotage all of it and could make your life a living hell.

...then it’s a little trickier because you can’t always just find another place to live.

1. My first thought is to advise you to tell a trusted adult about it. I’d like to think that is a parent…a parent who can keep the abuser from getting into your home and coming after you.

   You could tell a school counselor or teacher, but keep in mind that they might feel a need to tell your parents because your parents are the only people who can physically keep this person out of the house and away from you. It sucks if your parents like this person though…so talk this over with the counselor and hopefully, get some good advice as to how to handle this.

   You’ll be surprised to learn that almost all adults (usually women) have had to deal with abuse at one time or another, so please don’t ever be scared or embarrassed to tell them. They know.

2. Talk to a lawyer or someone in family court about getting a restraining order against this person. It may not physically protect you, but it’s a legal way to discourage this person from coming around you.
3. If you have a job, let your immediate supervisor know about the situation: show the restraining order.
4. You might also want to consider a new job and not tell your abuser. You don’t have to tell your old boss where you’re going either: that way they won’t accidently tell your abuser where to find you.
5. Get a new phone number.
6. And as much as it can be a pain in the ass, delete/close all your social media accounts. It’s pretty easy to track you even on new accounts…usually accidently through your friends.

...then you need to plan. And remember, don’t ever share your plan or intentions with your abuser: this person is NOT to be trusted. They will sabotage you.

Your plan should include:

1. Find another place to live far away from your current home. Staying and changing locks on the doors (to keep them out) seems like a good idea, but, he/she will have a legal advantage if their name is on the deed to the house or a rental agreement. This could lead to a long drawn out legal battle not to mention the physical harassment you will have to deal with from this person 24 hours a day.
2. Talk to a lawyer or someone in family court about getting a restraining order against this person. It may not physically protect you, but it’s a legal way to discourage this person from coming around you.
3. Money: figure out how much will it cost you to move out and into a new home?
4. How will you save that money without your abuser finding out? Open another account in another bank located in another part of town. You don’t want him or her to see you going there.
5. If you get paid automatically, be sure to let your employer know your new bank and new account number so your pay can go there. (I couldn’t do this because my husband watched our accounts and knew how much I got paid. So I told him I wanted to open a small savings account next to my job so I could cash my checks for gas money easier without asking him. Then, when I worked overtime, I never told him, and I put that extra money into my savings account and gave him what he “knew” I was making.)

   Get creative…you will find a way to put aside something for your plan.

6. Get a credit card in your name only. This is how you will establish credit without being tied to someone else.
7. Close any joint credit cards you might have. This will prevent you from having to pay them off if your ex max's them out.
8. If you own a car together, see if you can’t get a new loan in your own name at another bank without telling him/her. A lot of banks are happy to do a refinance loan without telling the other party.
9. Find and make copies of all documents that have to do with any joint financial accounts as well as any your partner might have. This includes, but is not limited to: retirement accounts, savings accounts, checking accounts, credit cards, anything on which you are making payments or own together or separately such as a house, condo, cars, tractors, land…anything that has a dollar value and can be sold.
10. Store your copies in a safe place out of your current home. Maybe with a trusted friend or relative.
11. If you are married, then talk to either a lawyer or paralegal about filing for a legal separation. A legal separation will protect you from being responsible for any new debt this person may run up simple because they are angry. That can ruin your credit in a heartbeat and it will stick with you for seven long years.
12. This is the hardest step ever: Be as nice as you possibly can stand to be as long as it takes you to get away. You don’t want them to suspect you are planning anything: If they do, they can and will sabotage it and you could be stuck there even longer.

Again, the most important thing is to keep your plans a secret from all friends until everything is a done deal. You just don’t know who talks to this person. So, depending on how dangerous / violent this person is, I'd also suggest keeping your new location, workplace, and phone number under wraps for as long as possible.

If you're careful you'll come out of this just fine.

Sincerely,